post-op

Liam had his surgery Thursday.  Yes- It's Sunday and I'm just now getting around to writing this.  He is doing fine.  He rebounded just like the doctor said he would.  He was drugged the day of but did just fine a few hours later.  We finished surgery mid-afternoon and took Liam home.  By that evening he was up and "walking" (using his push walker) around and laughing.  He slept GREAT that night.

By "GREAT" I mean he slept 13 hours straight. I'm guessing the pain meds were still in his system.

The next day he acted fine but slept horribly.  He wouldn't nap and he was up a few times (aka every 3 hours).  The next night was even worse.  I don't know why exactly but the "deep" sleep anesthesia places Liam under screws him up with his nighttime rest for a while.

 I think he has nightmares because basically me just picking him up calms him down enough to get him back to sleep after he wakes up SCREAMING.

His eyes are blood shot.  He has bilateral subconjunctival hemorrhages.  We've had only one person, a waiter, actually brave enough to ask "What's wrong with his eyes" but for the most part people just comment how cute he is.  I want to tell them "He just had surgery" but since no one says anything, I don't either.  I know they notice and they're just being nice.

The doctor warned me that he may be "wall eyed" but really he seems pretty good.  I never realized how bad his "lazy eye" was until we "fixed" it.  All and all, he's doing great.  You'd never know he just had surgery a few days ago.  I don't regret a thing.  He seems oblivious that anything recently happened.

Hopefully, he sleeps better tonight.

To quickly recap what's going on with Liam.  Lazy eye+ big head  = MRI.  MRI shows mass unrelated to big head and lazy eye.  Lazy eye?  Fixed!  Mass.... to be determined August 29th.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers!  I know it's a lot to ask and I know it's not quite the denoeument that people hope for since we really have no "update" and I hate to keep asking, but please.... keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Tomorrow is strabismus surgery

Well, the day is finally upon us.  After being scheduled, and rescheduled, and scheduled again, tomorrow is (one of)the big day.  I had no idea what time we had to be there until the surgery center finally called me at 11:30 today.  What did they say?

11:00.

Crap.  REALLY?! 11 freaking o'clock?  That means we probably won't even get back to surgery until noon at the earliest.  Liam will be starving!  And he'll be acting like a maniac!  You see, Liam can't have any solids past 5:30 am and clear liquids have to be stopped by 9:30 am.  He's used to getting breast fed at 6:30, a bottle at 9:30 and breakfast at 10.  He's gonna go nuts.  He's going to cry, then I'm going to cry, then everyone will cry.  UGH.

It's nearly 9:00 and I still haven't decided if I'm setting an alarm to get up at 5:00 and feed him some huge meal.  - He probably won't even want to eat at that time.

And, I really don't know why I've fixated on this whole "not eating thing" either.  I'm sure that's the last thing most parents would care about.  There is the SURGERY part of tomorrow.

 Perhaps I'm in denial and don't really want to think about that?  Maybe I really am ok with it since I'm in the medical field?  I don't know.  And I really thought I was fine and had no concerns until I had my first little panic attack this morning on the way to work.  That was fun.  I was driving along singing to music when, BAM, my heart was racing, I was crying, and I was....... scared.  That lasted about 2 minutes then I was better but maybe I'm not handling this as well as I thought I was?

Maybe I'm just going crazy.  Maybe I should stop rambling.  Ok.  I'm off to decide if I should wake a sleeping baby to force feed it.... decisions decisions

Rambling

The point of this post is not to make anyone feel bad.  It's not to make people feel sorry for me either.  It's just to kinda get it out.  It's a bit rambling and for that I apologize.  It may be a little whiny too.  Sorry.


I hate that I see kids- ages 5, 7, 15, etc. and think "I wonder if I will ever get to see Liam at that age".  Do you know how much that sucks?!   It's not a "I wonder what Liam will look like" and "I wonder if he'll be as big of a brat".  No, not that normal.  It's a: "I wonder if he'll be alive."

I hate that I live under a constant cloud of uncertainty.  I hate that other parents get to take day to day for granted. I wonder if my thinking will ever change, if the intrusive thoughts will ever go away.  I wonder if I will ever get to take for granted that I have Liam and I will see him tomorrow.  I wonder if he'll be the most spoiled kid ever because of this.

I put him to sleep every night and wonder if he will be ok in the morning.  I wonder if I get pregnant again if people will judge me because they think I'm trying to replace my "sick" kid.

I wonder if I had never asked about Liam's big head how different life would be. I wonder if there is such things as miracles.  I wonder if God will grant me one if there is. I wonder why me, but then wonder would I want to have this happen to a different family?  No.  I wonder why it has to happen to anyone at all.

Verses

So, since we got the news about Liam people started sending me bible verses.  I appreciated every one of them.  However, there was one in particular that still sits with me weeks later.  It was sent to me via a facebook message and I hope the person who sent it doesn't mind my sharing her interpretation as well as the verse.

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."        It sounds like there will be a lot of waiting to see what happens, a lot of being patient. I know that can be a hard thing to do when all you wish you could do is take action. I thought that verse was a good reminder of how even though we may be still The Lord is moving, working and fighting. 

I've got to believe, that even though I'm not "doing anything" - things are still getting done.  I like this.  I like it a lot.