Rambling

The point of this post is not to make anyone feel bad.  It's not to make people feel sorry for me either.  It's just to kinda get it out.  It's a bit rambling and for that I apologize.  It may be a little whiny too.  Sorry.


I hate that I see kids- ages 5, 7, 15, etc. and think "I wonder if I will ever get to see Liam at that age".  Do you know how much that sucks?!   It's not a "I wonder what Liam will look like" and "I wonder if he'll be as big of a brat".  No, not that normal.  It's a: "I wonder if he'll be alive."

I hate that I live under a constant cloud of uncertainty.  I hate that other parents get to take day to day for granted. I wonder if my thinking will ever change, if the intrusive thoughts will ever go away.  I wonder if I will ever get to take for granted that I have Liam and I will see him tomorrow.  I wonder if he'll be the most spoiled kid ever because of this.

I put him to sleep every night and wonder if he will be ok in the morning.  I wonder if I get pregnant again if people will judge me because they think I'm trying to replace my "sick" kid.

I wonder if I had never asked about Liam's big head how different life would be. I wonder if there is such things as miracles.  I wonder if God will grant me one if there is. I wonder why me, but then wonder would I want to have this happen to a different family?  No.  I wonder why it has to happen to anyone at all.