The point of this post is not to make anyone feel bad. It's not to make people feel sorry for me either. It's just to kinda get it out. It's a bit rambling and for that I apologize. It may be a little whiny too. Sorry.
I hate that I see kids- ages 5, 7, 15, etc. and think "I wonder if I will ever get to see Liam at that age". Do you know how much that sucks?! It's not a "I wonder what Liam will look like" and "I wonder if he'll be as big of a brat". No, not that normal. It's a: "I wonder if he'll be alive."
I hate that I live under a constant cloud of uncertainty. I hate that other parents get to take day to day for granted. I wonder if my thinking will ever change, if the intrusive thoughts will ever go away. I wonder if I will ever get to take for granted that I have Liam and I will see him tomorrow. I wonder if he'll be the most spoiled kid ever because of this.
I put him to sleep every night and wonder if he will be ok in the morning. I wonder if I get pregnant again if people will judge me because they think I'm trying to replace my "sick" kid.
I wonder if I had never asked about Liam's big head how different life would be. I wonder if there is such things as miracles. I wonder if God will grant me one if there is. I wonder why me, but then wonder would I want to have this happen to a different family? No. I wonder why it has to happen to anyone at all.