I'm having a bad day today. I talked with a lady yesterday for nearly an hour who'd lost her son tragically. I could see the hurt in her eyes. I could see and feel the emptiness that was there. I did my best to listen to her story and not cry. I did my best to be empathetic/sympathetic.
And I hate to say this, and I feel so bad even that I thought this- but while she was talking I couldn't help but think I didn't want to be her. I didn't want to feel that pain. I don't want to lose my child like she lost hers. I was glad it was her at that moment and not me. Terrible, I know. I feel horrible about those thoughts.
Then she said "It's not like my son had cancer and I could see it coming. He was healthy."-- ouch. I did my best not to react to her statement, but it got me thinking--- Does it matter that you know your kid is sick? Losing a child is losing a child. I don't think it hurts any less if you "can see it coming". Right?
Anyway, I'd been doing pretty well since getting back from Houston. I hadn't cried myself to sleep in a few days but last night I back slid a little. I cried for a while. I'm getting pretty good at silently crying so I don't disturb my husband. I had to go to the bathroom and cry this morning at work.
My mood is low. I am sad. Sorry to be such a bummer.